Beautiful

I wrote this between the time I moved out of Merrill Hall at USU and when I moved up to Cody. I spent A LOT of time in my bedroom at some apartment at the north end of town. I was living with some guys I didn't know, but they needed a roommate and I needed some place to live. I hated it. I was in a relationship with some chippie that was quickly deteriorating. The job I had was about to end because they were downsizing. I had nothing and felt like nothing.

I was watching TV late one night and heard the word "beautiful" and this whole song popped into my head. The chorus came first and lightning fast. The rest came fairly quickly. The best songs are the ones that I tend to write in one sitting. This was one of those moments. Inspiration was driving a nail into my skull. I loved the song and it has always been special to me.

A few months later I was visiting Utah from Wyoming and I played this song for a few of my old Merrill Hall roommates. One of my roommates (he shall remain nameless), who has a specific musical taste, actually came out of his room as I was playing this and raved about it. He said it was one of the greatest songs he had ever heard. To have him say that meant a lot to me. I was somewhat stunned.

Like I said, I love this song. It captures so much of what I was going through at the time. "Why can't I be beautiful" is just me singing that I was tired of being such an outcast - of being so different from everyone else around me - from never being noticed. I felt like I could walk into a crowded room with my eyeballs hanging out and no one would have noticed anything. It took me a long time to see and understand that beauty is a label that is not set in stone. There is no true definition for beauty, or at least beauty is what you make of it. Don't let anyone tell you any different!

Inside the saddest of despairs

I watch a world that doesn’t care

Someone proposes life to me

Then takes my soul that’s meant to be

Out of the dark I see her come

Prepared to break down what’s been done

Silent deception is her friend

Into this night I find my end

Why can’t I be beautiful?

Curse me and all that I know

I see through her skin

Inside my coffin

Why can’t I be beautiful?

With every word she turns the knife

Another chapter to my life

A prisoner to all that’s cruel

Nothing to offer to this fool

Why can’t I be beautiful?

Curse me and all that I know

I see through her skin

Inside my coffin

Why can’t I be beautiful?

Am I about to hit the wall?

There’s nothing here to break my fall

Her morphine smile took my own

Tore me apart down to the bone

The tide has turned again on me

To bring a harsh reality

This time there is no reason why

So I am pushed aside to die

Why can’t I be beautiful?

Curse me and all that I know

I see through her skin

Inside my coffin

Why can’t I be beautiful?

01 Beautiful.mp3

Taste

I wrote this song in my grandparents basement in Wyoming sometime during the summer of 2001. I was on a huge song writing kick during this time. Life sucked hard. I had moved to Cody to get away from Utah and the troubles it had brought me. I was working at a gas station and had hardly any friends, although the two new friends I made while living there are some of the greatest people in the world!! (Let's get together again and watch 'Friends' at 2 in the morning!)

It's weird to look back at something you worked on so long ago and remember the circumstances that brought it about. This song is pure throw away lyrics. I was just putting words together that really had no meaning, but they sounded great in a song. It's my sad attempt at sounding more intelligent than I actually am. There are little bits and pieces of what I was experiencing during this time in the song, but nothing grand, because nothing exciting was happening in life at all. It was just a steady stream on consciousness spewing forth. As I look back and read the chorus I wonder - was I singing about how I was dreaming about being someone other than I was?

*By the way, I wrote three songs yesterday and another one on the way to work this morning. There will be more brand new songs to come very shortly.*

You’re not exclusive to this measure

I won’t apply what I have learned

A fickle form of pleasure

A guilty soul at every turn

Have you seen tomorrow?

I think it wears your name

Not too much to live for

It’s gonna be the same

You’ve given up what you should cherish

The smile you wear is all too thin

Will you allow yourself to perish?

The light about you is getting dim

Have you seen the devil?

I think he wears your face

Can you live with yourself

And earn redemptive grace?

Now you see yourself in someone else you know

Time won’t let go

Still you hope that you’ll wake up from this someday

You didn’t know

You can’t escape your own suspicion

You’re to a point of no return

It’s an unholy recognition

So in whose bed will you now burn?

Have you seen forever?

I think she has your eyes

You’re a taste of never

A broken sunset sky

Now you see yourself in someone else you know

Time won’t let go

Still you hope that you’ll wake up from this someday

You didn’t know

With your struggles comes a glory

Someday you’ll win the war you wage

A happy ending to your story

The curtain drawn upon your stage

Are you such an angel?

I’ve seen you wear your wings

Love’s lost tale to tell

Love’s last song to sing

Now you see yourself in someone else you know

Time won’t let go

Still you hope that you’ll wake up from this someday

You didn’t know

06 Taste.mp3

The Best of It

Okay - so I was listening to the "Crazy Heart" soundtrack today and bang - a new song popped into my head. This may be my first foray into the world of writing country music. I almost vomited just typing that.

All kidding aside - there is a certain coolness about some country music. People like Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, and Willie Nelson come to mind. Some of the newer guys and gals are alright too, but those older dudes - just listening to them makes me feel like an alcoholic that is ten seconds away from a cocaine heart attack. There is something very raw about them and the songs that they sing. They really make people like Mick Jagger look like a wuss.

Anyway, this song came about from listening to Jeff Daniels singing these songs that only an old man that had seen it all could sing. I really have no right to be writing or singing a song like this, but I kind of feel tough singing this song. Mind you, I'm not, but this song for me is putting on a pair of vocal cowboy boots and getting ready for a bar fight. I wrote this whole song today in about an hour and a half total. I only recorded one take of the song so it's not my best singing, but that isn't the point. I just feel hard souled. Don't piss me off...

I don’t know but I’ve been told

That I’ll get in trouble over you

It’s time to kiss goodbye these skies of blue

I’ve been stuck with ugly

And I’m a stranger to the truth

And sorry isn’t something I can do

I’ve been bruised and busted up

And lost a fight or two

I’ve been a sinner, I’ve been a saint

And my days have run me through

Trouble brings me trouble

And you just bring me more

So what’s the point of hangin’ round your door

What’s the point of tryin’

When I’ve been tryin’ just to quit

I’m tired of tryin’ to make the best of it

I’ve danced this dance a thousand times

I’ve failed and fallen down

And all these thorns stuck in my sides

Will always be around

I’ve been someone I don’t know

And I’ve been someone I hate

Based on who I am now it’s too late

What’s the point of tryin’

When I’ve been tryin’ just to quit

I’m tired of tryin’ to make the best of it

I’m tired of tryin’ to make the best of it

I’m tired of tryin’ to make the best of it

The Best of It.mp3

Hopeless

I wrote this song in 1995 I believe. It was the year after I graduated from high school. It came about from listening to a lot of Nirvana at the time. Kurt Cobain had been dead less than a year, and he had more of an influence on me dead than alive. I remember this being one of the first songs I wrote that I ever performed for my best friends, Bobby and Matt. I think I played it for the two of them in Matt's bedroom one afternoon. I loved the chromatic drop and rise in the song. I was really just starting to learn how to play the guitar and I loved that sound that had come about pure experimentation.

There is nothing to read into regarding the lyrics. What you read is what you get. I was still draped in my shroud of self-loathing so it was a pessimistic song. My lyrics were starting to improve somewhat during this time. Instead of being very simple I was starting to discover imagery to paint the feelings I was trying to sing about. All in all it's a pretty good song. It could use a killer solo in the middle of it - either a screaming guitar or a mourning cello.

Shadows crawl across my floor

Waves crash on a sandless shore tonight

Sound is shattered by an eerie silence

My every thought is full of violence tonight

My wishful thinking does nothing for me

And lonely whispers bring insanity

I’m so hopeless

Dreams drown in the pouring rain

Love lies beneath endless pain tonight

Love is blown in the howling wind

The air around me feels like sin tonight

The wall around me can’t be torn down

Everything I feel is forever bound

I’m so hopeless

Love’s always abandoning me

Can someone tell me why this must be tonight?

Years of loneliness have taken their toll

I need an angel to save my soul tonight

Sorrow has poisoned my mind like a drug

Pity could never take the place of love

I’m so hopeless

09 Hopeless.mp3

All Fall Down

I wrote this a few weeks ago. I've actually been writing songs faster than I have the time to write lyrics for them. I have a huge back catalogue of songs that I'll be posting on here more frequently. I've got about ten songs I need to work on lyrics for and more songs are being written every day. Just this last week alone I've written ten songs. Each of them have the beginning of lyrics started, but the musical side of the songs is already written, minus a few tweaks here and there.

As for this song, I really love it. There is a sense of urgency I feel in it when I play it and sing it, and I love that. I wrote a lot of the lyrics while I was sitting in a staff meeting at work. Yes - I was paying attention, but sometimes things are said that just stick in my mind or set me off on a lyrical path. I was thinking about the people stuck in war - both real, physical battles and their own personal, internal fights. The biggest point of the song to me was that its okay to fall down sometimes. In fact, there is nothing wrong with collapsing from the weight of it all. It's the loudest sound when we fall down, but only to ourselves. Nobody hears us fall louder than ourselves and there's nothing wrong with that. The tears may come, but remember - we only fall down so we can gain strength from standing back up again.

Walking through this snow

Not sure where to go

Feels as though the world’s abandoned me

Bodies in their graves

Battled to be brave

They all sing their epitaphs to me

And I hear what they’re trying to say

Do we fight the good fight each day?

When the lights go out

All that’s left is doubt

Faith will have to fight her own way free

Enemies we fear

Drawing themselves near

All they are is ghosts of what once was

And we scream for the night to end

There’s so much that we must defend

Secrets can’t reveal themselves when lies stand in the way

When you try to work it out is it worth the price you pay?

It’s the loudest sound

As we all fall down

Screaming in my sleep

Dreaming way too deep

I’m a product of the wars I’ve won

Fighting to forgive

Trying just to live

Words can’t go away – what’s done is done

So you cast me into the sea

With the truth that will set us free

Secrets can’t reveal themselves when lies stand in the way

When you try to work it out is it worth the price you pay?

It’s the loudest sound

As we all fall down

All Fall Down.mp3

Void

I wrote this song sometime in late 1997. It came about from listening to the Smashing Pumpkins. Billy Corgan had written a song called "Ugly" that I really loved. It described how I felt a lot of the time back then. If you knew me then, you would understand exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway, I was trying to write a song about how I felt about myself at the time, using my own words. It dealt with me and how I felt about certain people back then as well. Looking back on it all I realize I was terrified of myself and the person I was turning into. Life was good, don't get me wrong - it's just that I was filled with a venomous hatred towards who I was. I felt as though I was a cancer of some sort that ate away at those around me and I just wanted to disappear - to be a void. We all really detest ourselves at on point or another in our lives. I don't feel that way anymore, but the scars from figuratively whipping myself are still fresh and a constant reminder to me that I need to try to improve myself each day. Instead of me wanting to be a void I now have things in my life to keep my life from being void.

Fire burns my mouth

Time is running out for me

Wishing on a magic star shining down

My smile is foolish

Laughter breaks my brittle bones

Running from a nightmare I had in my dreams

And I fear the dark in you

The light in me

The things unseen

I fill my void

Death kisses me so deep

I feel her tongue on my lips tempting me

Forbidden song

I drink the silence in you

The sun still shines upon this broken rose

In the stars I see your face

I feel your warmth in love’s disgrace

But I’m here to tell you stories

Full of pain and full of glory

Sweet is the tempter’s snare

My soul is heavy

Sad days have lost control

Like shattered glass I’m falling all apart

The moon is red

Night sings me her sad tune

The way you breathe into me makes me whole

And the streets I wander on have swallowed me

The signs are gone

But you have this heart of mine

You can make it so divine

Peace is a luxury

I taste the madness

I feel the sadness

You swallow my fear

My mind is unclear

Your mouth is dry

My eyes won’t cry

Rage is enjoyed

I’m just a void

This Christmas

Every Christmas Eve that we are all together my wife's family has a Christmas talent show. We just get to enjoy everyone's company and what they are doing. Some people do something musical, some read a poem - it doesn't really matter what it is, it's just a time to share. A few weeks ago I decided that I wanted to write a new Christmas song every year. Nothing big and grandiose, just a little something that I would be able to share with the family. This is my first attempt. Mind you, this is not written with the intent of becoming a classic or a standard. This is my own personal amusement. Hopefully I can get this recorded sometime in the next few days.



This Christmas
I don't need presents
I don't need snow
I don't need sleigh bells
Or mistletoe
There's only one thing that I need this year
This Christmas I need you right here


I don't need snowmen
I don't need sleds
I don't need sugarplums dancing in my head
There's only one thing that I need this year
This Christmas I need you right here


Bing sang of "White Christmas"
Dino sang "Outside, its cold!"
But for me it's not Christmas
Till I've got my love to hold


I don't need stockings
I don't need lights
I don't need Santa coming over tonight
There's only one thing that I need this year
This Christmas I need you right here


So if you're looking for some way
To bring me holiday cheer
Just make sure when it's Christmas you're here