This Christmas

Every Christmas Eve that we are all together my wife's family has a Christmas talent show. We just get to enjoy everyone's company and what they are doing. Some people do something musical, some read a poem - it doesn't really matter what it is, it's just a time to share. A few weeks ago I decided that I wanted to write a new Christmas song every year. Nothing big and grandiose, just a little something that I would be able to share with the family. This is my first attempt. Mind you, this is not written with the intent of becoming a classic or a standard. This is my own personal amusement. Hopefully I can get this recorded sometime in the next few days.



This Christmas
I don't need presents
I don't need snow
I don't need sleigh bells
Or mistletoe
There's only one thing that I need this year
This Christmas I need you right here


I don't need snowmen
I don't need sleds
I don't need sugarplums dancing in my head
There's only one thing that I need this year
This Christmas I need you right here


Bing sang of "White Christmas"
Dino sang "Outside, its cold!"
But for me it's not Christmas
Till I've got my love to hold


I don't need stockings
I don't need lights
I don't need Santa coming over tonight
There's only one thing that I need this year
This Christmas I need you right here


So if you're looking for some way
To bring me holiday cheer
Just make sure when it's Christmas you're here

Apart at the Seams

It's quite strange how a song will pop into your head. Sometimes it the lyrics first, other times you hear a melody that you have to match up with words that work. Sometimes the words in your head are not really words you want, but they flow like a cracked dam. Topics you wouldn't normally want to write about start to pop out of the end of your pen or even off the tip of your tongue. It's is a dark song. Probably one of the darkest lyrically I have ever encountered. It just kind of happened. I wrote the music today in about four minutes - the words in less than 15 as they appear. No edits. I'm working on getting it recorded and up soon.

For all you theorists out there, don't read into this song. It has nothing to do with me. These are not feelings of mine. These are not experiences that I am going through. I am fine. I am happier than I have ever been. This is a story in a song. I know that Thomas Harris didn't try cannibalism to write "Silence of the Lambs" or Alfred Hitchcock killed anyone to direct "Dial M for Murder". This is strictly a figment of my imagination.

The only way that she was going to fly
Was to step off of that ledge into the sky
Someone called her
Someone called her home


The only life that she had ever known
Was found without a place she could call home
No one loved her
No one loved her so


She falls apart at the seams
Inside her nightmare she screams
So in a life filled with doubt
From a rooftop she will shout
"I hope that this is my way out!"


To stop the demons screaming in his brain
He walked head-on into a speeding train
No more sorrows
No tomorrows now


His wife and kids did not know who he was
He gave the good life for a life of drugs
Now he's wasted
Now he's wasted breath


He falls apart at the seams
Inside his nightmare he screams
So in a life filled with doubt
Into a headlight he will shout
"I hope that this is my way out!"


Life gives back what you invest
You can't expect all the best
And if you feel you should die
Just wipe away the tears you cry
Don't waste your time on asking "why?"
Start chasing after what you should
Try filling up your life with all that's good

Hate Me

This is another strange one. Just a bunch of random words thrown together with a catchy little tune. I wrote this in the basement of my grandparents house in Wyoming in the summer of 2001. I think the song is about extremes in life.


It’s all sour apples
Not much to go on here
I’m living in an ashtray
Not looking in the mirror
Is this what you wanted?
Did you think you’d disappear?

Not living for a heartache
Too much of you can hurt
Are you an acid reflux
Buried deep down in the dirt
Inside your sad reflection
You’re finally seeing what you’re worth

And I love the way you hate my every move
And I love the way you hate the things I do
I love the way you hate me
I love the way you hate me

This is a twisted romance
Fueled by a loving fist
You beg for my forgiveness
With every hammer kiss
Should I accept your offering
Or should I walk away from this

And I love the way you hate my every move
And I love the way you hate the things I do
I love the way you hate me
I love the way you hate me

Is there sympathy for everything you’ve done?
I will not stare for one more day into the sun
There’s not a reason here
To keep on thinking you’re the one

This isn’t too impressive
Should I take a second glance?
You’re like a roadrash shadow
In a pair of leather pants
Tomorrow’s looking ugly
You might get another chance

And I love the way you hate my every move
And I love the way you hate the things I do
I love the way you hate me
I love the way you hate me

Vampires

This was written in 1998. I don't know why I wrote this song. It used to be called "Baby Blues", but that was too uplifting - it kind of rubbed against the grain. It's not really about vampires, but anyone who know me knows that if I could have a career change...

Don’t tell me you love me
Don’t tell me who I am
I want to be beautiful
I want to be a man
I don’t know what you see in me
You’re not who you appear to be

Too young to see it
Rainbows just fade away
You’re not a monster
But I can’t live this way
I never asked for anything
But gave you all my songs to sing
And everything you asked for

I killed the vampires in your brain
You gave me faults, you gave me blame
And though the wind blows my face away
There’s just no way that I can stay

I’m lost in madness
I’m tripping over you
So where’s the glory
In feeling blue
I lost my love inside your fist
You say my tears will not be missed
So no one here can save me

I killed the vampires in your brain
You gave me faults, you gave me blame
And though the wind blows my face away
There’s just no way that I can stay

So through the mist you feel my hurt
Forget for better or worse
I can’t make you happy
I am not the one you need

I killed the vampires in your brain
You gave me faults, you gave me blame
And though the wind blows my face away
There’s just no way that I can stay

Copperanna

Again, this is another song written in my little sludge hole in Logan. I guess the only good thing that ever came out of that apartment was music. This is a song for a girl I never met named Anna. I wrote this during the early days of internet chat rooms. I can't remember what chat room it was, but I had been talking music with a group of people. One of the girls, named Anna, said she wished someone would write a song for her. I gave it a shot. Like I said, I never met the kid. Now, to write a song called "Anna" was quite boring in my mind - no offense to the name. The Beatles recorded a song called "Anna (Go With Him)" that is on their first album. It always seemed like a filler song to me. I remember I had been working on writing songs that day and I didn't have a pick, so I used a penny. After I had been playing for a while I was taking a break and chewing my fingernails. Of course, my fingertips tasted like copper. All of a sudden I had the name of the song. It's also attributed to the strange name songs that the Smashing Pumpkins had - "Tristessa", "Stumbleine", "Medilla"... So I had the name for my song - "Copperanna". It's not about anyone at all - it all came together because of someone's name and my love for chewing my fingernails.

Another funny side note to the song is that I was writing these lyrics in church one Sunday and my mom asked to look at them. She couldn't understand why I would write a lyric about wanting to be someone's whore. I tried to explain to her that it was an extreme way of saying that I wanted to belong to someone. She thought I should just say that. I thought about it and decided to stay with my lyric. All these years later I still have people that have heard this song say that that line is their favorite line in a song.
I want to be your pocket
Your hand inside of me
I want to be temptation
Your hand as it bleeds
I can never see you
I want to die and be you
I want to set you free

I want to be your whispers
Your breath as you sleep
I want to fall and hurt you
Your tears as you weep
I’m purple suicide
I’m black eyes open wide
I’m nothing you should keep

I’m just a bad dream
To lay down on your pillow
Trapped in the slipstream
You are all I know
Copperanna

I want to be your trophy
Your secret little whore
I want your indignation
The reason you want more
I’m twisted fantasy
I’m prayers and blasphemy
I’m all that you adore

I’m just a bad dream
To lay down on your pillow
Trapped in the slipstream
You are all I know
Copperanna

I want to be your mourning
Your coffin in the ground
I want your consolation
Your arms to lay me down
I’m cracked crystal ball
I’m broken china doll
I’m secrets never found

I’m just a bad dream
To lay down on your pillow
Trapped in the slipstream
You are all I know
Copperanna

Walk Alone

I wrote this song sometime in 2000 I believe. I was living by myself in my crappy little attic apartment in Logan, UT. It was such a waste hole. I was watching TV one night and I saw a gargoyle on TV on a commercial or something. I thought to myself, "I've never heard of a gargoyle reference in a song", so I wrote one. I could be wrong. There could be lots of gargoyle references in songs. Anyway, this is a completely nonsensical song. There is no secret meaning to it. It's just a collection of words put together to make the song. I wanted to put strange imagery into it. I think I succeeded.


For a little while
Kiss a baby smile
Don’t give in to your hate
Scarlet edelweiss
Full of tar surprise
Locked inside heaven’s gate

Wander slowly through the dew drop covered streets
Dancing slowly to a cotton candy beat

Dust off my forgets
Pained with my regrets
And a story to tell
Talk of summer rain
Wish for endless pain
Buried deep in a well

Listen to the violin scream its expression
While you’re dreaming of a tongue dyed in depression

With a gargoyle stare
You can take me there
But I can’t walk alone
I have no home

Fight the war for me
Claim insanity
Make a peppermint choice
Don’t forget your song
All the rights made wrong
Taste my lollipop voice

See me scrape my ache from off these mortal bones
Liquid passion sings to me in foreign tones

With a gargoyle stare
You can take me there
But I can’t walk alone
I have no home

Look through my soul if you can
Grasp my life with plastic hand
Walk through lemonade night skies
Open up your cherry eyes

There’s no laughter here
Only bottled fear
And a faceless suicide
Morning’s just begun
With a velvet tongue
And a spirit you’ve denied


With your stained glass heart you quiver on the floor
Hoping desperately that one day he’ll adore

With a gargoyle stare
You can take me there
But I can’t walk alone
I have no home

Heart Beat

I wrote this song today. I just sat down and started playing this chord sequence over and over and this is what happened. This is my own little attempt at writing a Nine Inch Nails song. Not quite the same. I don't have access to the same equipment he does, but you get a very rough demo of the song. I'm not quite sure what it is about, but I think its probably about beating ourselves up. I also think its about stepping into the background of life. What do you think?



I digress from what I have to tell you
I fall into words that I don't know
I feel like a mess that I can't sell you
Giving one last breath to make it so

Lying on a bed of nails and roses
Watching as a funeral passes by
Fighting through the urge of overdoses
Bleeding through pathetic tears I cry

Screaming at the top of my lungs calms me
Emptiness just feels like home
Angels of the night continuing psalming
Harmonized with demon tones

I watch fingers falling off
Of hands that I don't use
Heart beat bleeds through my own thoughts
My conscience's own abuse

I fall through the cracks of other people
Buried in a mind I call my own
Find me in the shadow of God's great temple
Fusing faith and hope to my poor bones

I will not relay on my own power
I'll stand inside a truth made of stone
Waiting for the death in the final hour
Looking for the answers unknown

I watch fingers falling off
Of hands that I don't use
Heart beat bleeds through my own thoughts
My conscience's own abuse
My conscience's own abuse