The Smile You Had

This song is somewhat of a mystery as to why I wrote it. I was living by myself in Logan, UT when I wrote it in a crappy attic apartment. Life pretty much sucked. I was single again and, as usual, I was falling apart. During this time period I went to the dollar theater by myself a lot. It was cheap entertainment that allowed me to lose myself for a few hours.


On the night I wrote this song I had gone to see "Never Been Kissed" with Drew Barrymore. Now, I had always been a huge fan of hers. I had the hots bad for her. I enjoyed the movie and headed home. I remember as I was driving home pouring over the thoughts in my head about finding 'someone' and being happy with them forever. All signs at that time in my life were pointed towards 'not gonna happen'. 


It must have been cooler outside that evening because when I arrived at home I took of my jacket and threw it over the chair in my tiny living room. My guitar was sitting in the corner behind it. As the jacket landed one of the sleeves hit the guitar, creating a tone/funky chord. Like lightning to the brain this entire song was in my head! It was literally that fast. No words - just music. Now this was back in the time before I could record the idea on my phone and come back to visit it later, so I had to sit down right then and write it.


In the melody I could already hear the "hey hey hey hey" part. I wanted the song to be something easy to sing along with. The lyrics just kind of poured out once I started writing. The verses are kind of throw away, but I really do enjoy the chorus. As usual during this time, I'm writing about that special someone that I hadn't found (yet). I was looking but never able to find her. I was just going to have to wait a few years. It's one of those I've written that I occasionally find myself singing just for no reason. Those are the songs of mine I like the best.

The Smile You Had

Hey hey hey hey

I’m flying over you my friend now

Hey hey hey hey

With all I see there is no end

Hey hey hey hey

I’ve walked away from this before

Hey hey hey hey

And I’ve come back just wanting more

You stole my smile from me and now I want it back

‘Cause I like the smile that you had

Hey hey hey hey

The ocean’s pity overthrows

Hey hey hey hey

The angels teach me what they know

I’ll penetrate your lips to take away your sad

‘Cause I like the smile that you had

And I can’t help wonder why

You share with me that sparkle in your eye

I struggle to believe

Still this fairy tale’s come true

With everything that’s done by you

I’ve lost all myself inside you

Hey hey hey hey

You’ve given me vanilla bliss

Hey hey hey hey

I’m restless for your licorice kiss

I’d smash eternity to hear our cherub’s laugh

‘Cause I like the smile that you had

And I can’t help wonder why

You share with me that sparkle in your eye

I struggle to believe

Still this fairy tale’s come true

With everything that’s done by you

I’ve lost all myself inside you

Hey hey hey hey

I’m classified as fortune’s fool

Hey hey hey hey

I’m trapped inside myself so cruel

As far as I’m concerned there’s nothing that you lack

‘Cause I like the smile that you had

And I can’t help wonder why

You share with me that sparkle in your eye

I struggle to believe

Still this fairy tale’s come true

With everything that’s done by you

I’ve lost all myself inside you

Beast

I know its been awhile since I have posted anything on here. Its not because I am struggling with writer's block. (Sometimes I wish I was!) I just haven't recorded anything for quite awhile. This song is one that I wrote and recorded in October of last year. I apologize for the vocals. They are definitely not the greatest.

I could have named this song "Regrets" because that is really what it is about - the regrets in life that haunt us for longer than we should allow them to. How often it seems that we continually kick ourselves for things that have happened in the past, including those things that we had no control over! Relationships, jobs, things we've said to friends, the way we've treated family members, etc. The list could go on and on.

This started off as something I was playing around with on the guitar. It had such a dark vibe to it that I almost abandoned it. As I continued to play it to myself the word 'beast' kept creeping into my mind. From there is where the rest of the song came from. For me this is just a reminder that the 'beast' (regrets) of life CAN and WILL get to you, but only if you let it.



Time’s a vicious beast who gives you nothing back
All you hold in your hands fades into the black

Everything you hope for seems to be in vain

You have tried your best to wash off all your stains

Struggle with the patterns you have locked in place

Breaking every mirror in which you see your face

You don’t have the answers you’ve been searching for

You have no desire to fight in this unholy war

Even with your demons on the run

You can feel yourself coming undone

Where you gonna run to?

Where you gonna run this time?

Are you gonna stay right here and try to face your crimes?

Everybody’s looking, everybody’s watching you

You don’t get to decide anything you want to do

Grabbed and pulled apart by those who think they know

Feels like being dragged by wild horses through the snow

If it’s best for you that doesn’t mean a lot

Try as hard as you may, I will not be bought

Who exactly do you think you are?

You are not trapped under some bell jar

Where you gonna run to?

Where you gonna run this time?

Are you gonna stay right here and try to face your crimes?

Everybody’s looking, everybody’s watching you

You don’t get to decide anything you want to do

With You

This is breaking out of my pattern with the album I've been working on, but I needed to break the pattern. Sometimes I feel better doing that. I don't know if this song will be part of this project or part of another one I'll mulling around in my brain.

This is a new song I've written for my wife, Stephanie. I wrote the music for this the other night after watching something on TV. I heard a little clip from a song and it gave birth to the music for this song. The next day I came to school and wrote the entire music part but I hadn't come up with any lyrics for it. I recorded it on my phone for future use.

Friday night I was out delivering pizzas and listening to some of the backlog of songs on my phone and I came across this one from earlier this week. I started listening to it and tried to come up with the first line. "Swam across the sea..." My next thought was "What would I swim across the sea for?" and of course, my first thought was my wife. From that instance the rest of the words just poured out.

This may not seem like much of a song to anyone. It's short and not very extravagant, but only Stephanie truly knows how much songs and music mean to me. She sees me when I get so excited about a song that I can hardly restrain myself. She knows that I express myself best through music, so this will mean to most to her and that is what is most important to me.

I've written songs for Steph in the past. I sang one to her at our wedding reception and open house. It's been awhile though since I've written her one. So this is just a reminder to her of what she means to me. I'm grateful for her putting up with me and all of my oddities, especially over the last month. This last month I've felt like quite the emotional mess and she has taken good care of me as she always does.

Before Steph and I were married I was quite the depressed mess. Since getting married I have not had to battle depression at all like I used to until this last month. For some reason all of my demons decided to start rolling around in my head again and I felt like I was going mad. Again, Stephanie came through for me. I am and will always be eternally grateful for what she does for me in my life. I love you Steph!

Swam across the sea

I did it all to get myself to you

I just needed you with me

Time and again I’d do it just to prove

That I am no good alone

You’re the rhyme in all my poems

You’re the rights to all my wrongs

You’re the soul in all my songs

Climbed the highest peak

I had to put myself into your arms

Show to you how I was weak

And what it took for me to be disarmed

I’m your blue-eyed albatross

Yet you still carry my cross

You’re my brown-eyed fairy tale

Yes, I’ve found my holy grail

Died the hardest death

I’d follow you to places no one could

I would give you my last breath

I’d lose it all for you but I’d feel good

We’ve got time upon our side

And we’ve got nothing to hide

I can’t question love this true

I’m a better man with you

With You.mp3

Where I Belong

This is a strange song to talk about but I must do so. This album that I have been working on will probably be called "Life" and with life there are both good and bad things. This happens to be one of the bad parts - one of the darkest moments of my life.

There was a period in my life when really didn't know what I was doing. I had a friend tell me to come to Phoenix with him to work. He was sure he could get me a job working with him and he was making very good money. I was not going to school at the time, I was living aimlessly at home, and I really was a waste of space. I went to Phoenix with him and he said I could live with him and his sister for a bit until I found my own place.

I didn't know it at the time but this friend of mine was a drug addict. His drug of choice was meth. This was when meth was still a fairly new drug. It wasn't new, but it wasn't as wide spread as it is now. When I got to Phoenix he offered me some, which I turned down. The next few days were awful after that.

Long story short - this was one of the worst incidents of my life. I lost one of my dearest friends in the whole wide world. Little did I know that it would soon be a permanent loss.

I don't tell this story, nor write this song to glamorize the use of drugs. It's quite the opposite - I hate drugs. I hate them with a passion. As I write this there are serious tears being shed because of how this one incident affected the friends in my life. How I wish I could go back and have been a better friend! 

The chorus of this song is one of the most honest and personal things I have ever written. At the time I did feel completely trapped. I wish I had never left my home in Yuma because it was where I really belonged. 

If there is a silver lining to this story and experience, it is that I was able to figure out what my path was after this. I saw what I DIDN'T want to be. It helped me learn a little bit more about myself, but it still breaks my heart into a thousand little pieces when I think about this.

Hopefully those of you who read this (if anyone does) will understand why I share such a personal story. Please don't think ill of me after reading this. Mistakes happens - its what we do to learn from them that matters.

There was a room

That I went in

Filled with smoke and mirrors

To hide the sin

And I had nothing

Nothing to lose

The devil laid his cards down

And I had to choose

This was life I’d never known

It made me cold down to the bone

I was stepping off the edge

Into something ugly

Now I feel so trapped

I wish that I could take it back

I wish that I had stayed at home

Where I belong

Instead I grabbed that bullet train

Inhaled it straight into my veins

‘Cause I was looking for someplace

Where I belong

I soon was kicked

Out of that room

It may as well have been

Tomorrow’s tomb

It all came tumbling

Out of my head

I heard a voice say “Leave

Or try to live life dead!”

I sat up through 20 nights

My head was filled with ardent lights

The crossroad said to “choose the right”

I hitched a ride with my soul

Now I feel so trapped

I wish that I could take it back

I wish that I had stayed at home

Where I belong

Instead I grabbed that bullet train

Inhaled it straight into my veins

‘Cause I was looking for someplace

Where I belong

03 Where I Belong.mp3

Don't Look at Me

This song is not a song about a specific person. During the two years after I graduated from high school I started to become a very needy person. Sadly what I needed was someone to need me! I was such a prissy little girl! What was awful was that if a girl looked at me just right I would all of a sudden think that I could swoop in a save her from whatever imaginary plague she was dealing with. I know it's because I was not getting the attention I needed at home. Things were not good on that front. I mean, I was a cutter before it became so passe.

I was just looking for someone to need me and it was always through some chippie. So this song is about me looking back at the point of my life and giving myself a warning about it all. With the lyrics "don't look at me, in your eyes are things that I don't want to see" I'm really just saying "please don't look at me and make me think that for some reason you are in love with me or that I should be in love with you. I don't want to see what is going on in your eyes". Granted, at the time I was loving finding girlies I could devote myself to, but looking at it now I feel like a bit of a emotional man-whore. I might as well have set up shop and invited these girls over for a teaparty.

Now, I'm not knocking love and giving you're all to someone. I have clearly done so with my wife, but an eighteen year old boy does not need to be looking for this kind of commitment, especially if it is only going to be one-sided. This was my big problem. All of these relationships that I inserted myself into were one-sided. I was putting in everything and get nothing out. I think I damaged myself more by living my life like that.



She came out of nowhere
Grabbed me by the throat
I couldn’t think
Wrapped up in good intentions
Fireworks aside
Sweet poison drink

She reminds me of something I know
Maybe it’s something I let go
Like a princess trapped in some spell
I’m sure this can’t end well

Don’t look at me
Don’t look at me
In your eyes are things that I don’t want to see
Don’t look at me

Nobody could have known this
Nobody even tried
She was just bad news
Just a bit misleading
She’ll get you with her eyes
What’s a boy to do?

From her lips will come velvet sighs
And her words are all laced with lies
But you can’t see past your own needs
She will make you bleed

Don’t look at me
Don’t look at me
In your eyes are things that I don’t want to see
Don’t look at me

Here in the dark
Of this lonely night
She pulls me close
Drawn to her flame
But don’t play the game
There’s so much to lose

Don’t look at me
Don’t look at me
In your eyes are things that I don’t want to see
Don’t look at me



02 Don't Look at Me.mp3

Out the Gate

So I am working on a new album. It is somewhat of a concept album, but by no means is it my original concept. Many people before me have done the same concept for an album. This album is simply titled "Life", so I am sure you can guess what it's about. All of the songs are from some point in my life starting with the night I graduated from high school.

This first song "Out the Gate" is about the type of person I was the night I graduated from high school. I thought I could take on the world singlehandedly. I was so wrong. I had no direction, no ambition. I was a quick road to destruction. I really thought I knew it all and that I needed no guidance or direction from anybody. Again, so wrong!

It's amazing what self reflection can produce. In essence, that is what this album is about. I have been thinking a lot about the poor choices I have made in my life that led me to bad place, but I have also been thinking about the wise decisions I have made that brought good into my life, such as my wife, my children, my education, etc. That's really what life is all about.

So for the next few months I will be posting songs on here that are part of this album. The songs are always changing lyrically and melodically. I will post different versions of the songs if I change them drastically. I already have written about six or seven of these songs, but I am always working on them. The songs will be about everything I have experienced and my great hope for this project is that someone listening might be able to relate to some experience or feelings in my life and see that they are not as alone as they may have thought they are.

Please feel free to ask any questions or offer any ideas or suggestions. I am always wanting to hear different views from different people. I really will take everything into consideration. My ideas for things are definitely not always the best. This project is very personal to me and I hope that you will look at this with that thought in mind. Get ready for the ride!


I threw myself into the night
The thunder made it feel so right
Still I was caught off guard by tears
Now it was time to face my fears

The current I was caught in pulled me every which way
I guess I lost myself when I forgot how to pray

The times, they didn’t seem so bad
But like a fool I never really knew what I had
I played with fire I couldn’t tame
And I burned everyone but never took any blame

I did my best to be as careless as I could be
I closed my eye to things I didn’t want to see

I was blind and so naïve
I had answers but I couldn’t believe
Young and dumb, fresh out the gate
I was going to have to hurt before it was too late

I thought that I would make my mark
Not if I’m living in the dark
I hitched a ride on lives not mine
I tried to leave my life behind

I took a shotgun ride with sinners, harlots, and fools
There was no use for me in keeping up with the rules

I was blind and so naïve
I had answers but I couldn’t believe
Young and dumb, fresh out the gate
I was going to have to hurt before it was too late

I’m no sinner
I’m a winner
I am no saint
File your complaint

I’m no sinner
I’m a winner
I am no saint
File your complaint


01 Out the Gate.mp3

Good, Better, Best

Sorry it's been awhile since I have posted anything for you few fans out there. Don't worry, I have not had writer's block. In fact, I've had quite the opposite. I've had more of a creative outpouring in the last few weeks than I have in a long, long time. It's felt great to be able to do so. I find few things better in life (such as my wife, children, faith) than creating and writing new music. I really don't know what I would do without the ability to do so.

This song is one that I think I am going to have my school choir sing. Surprise - it's an uplifting song! I am really trying to gear my songs in a brighter emotional direction. I'm sure some of those downer songs will still make their way through every once in a while, but I am trying for other emotions.

This is about pushing through the rough times. The chorus to this song is taken from a poem I have heard a great deal while growing up. It was actually used in schools long ago as a way to teach students how to use the three words 'good', 'better', and 'best' (as opposed to good, gooder, and goodest!). I've started to understand a little bit more that "kicking against the pricks" is better than just putting up with life. Take it and make it yours.

On a technical note, I got myself a new microphone to record with. It produces a much better sound, but there is a hum to the recording. I am trying to figure out how to rid my future recordings of such. Please bear with me.

Sometimes I need a little bit of faith

To get me out of the rain

A little push from behind

Always helps to remind

It’s never easy to be

All the things I know I should be

I know the right things to do

So I’ll keep trying to push myself through

Sometimes I need a little bit of faith

To get me out of the rain

A little push from behind

Always helps to remind

I’ve got a lot on my plate

That I can’t do if I’m filled with hate

I know that I can do more

But unless I spread my wings there’s no way I can soar

Good, better, best

I’ll never let it rest

Until my good is better

And my better is best

I’ll put myself to the test

Sometimes I need a little bit of faith

To get me out of the rain

A little push from behind

Always helps to remind

I’ve got my future in my hands

If I’m gonna change the world I need to learn how to stand

The world is at my fingertips

No matter what happens I’m not jumping ship

Good, better, best

I’ll never let it rest

Until my good is better

And my better is best

I’ll put myself to the test

Good, Better, Best.mp3