Hopeless

I wrote this song in 1995 I believe. It was the year after I graduated from high school. It came about from listening to a lot of Nirvana at the time. Kurt Cobain had been dead less than a year, and he had more of an influence on me dead than alive. I remember this being one of the first songs I wrote that I ever performed for my best friends, Bobby and Matt. I think I played it for the two of them in Matt's bedroom one afternoon. I loved the chromatic drop and rise in the song. I was really just starting to learn how to play the guitar and I loved that sound that had come about pure experimentation.

There is nothing to read into regarding the lyrics. What you read is what you get. I was still draped in my shroud of self-loathing so it was a pessimistic song. My lyrics were starting to improve somewhat during this time. Instead of being very simple I was starting to discover imagery to paint the feelings I was trying to sing about. All in all it's a pretty good song. It could use a killer solo in the middle of it - either a screaming guitar or a mourning cello.

Shadows crawl across my floor

Waves crash on a sandless shore tonight

Sound is shattered by an eerie silence

My every thought is full of violence tonight

My wishful thinking does nothing for me

And lonely whispers bring insanity

I’m so hopeless

Dreams drown in the pouring rain

Love lies beneath endless pain tonight

Love is blown in the howling wind

The air around me feels like sin tonight

The wall around me can’t be torn down

Everything I feel is forever bound

I’m so hopeless

Love’s always abandoning me

Can someone tell me why this must be tonight?

Years of loneliness have taken their toll

I need an angel to save my soul tonight

Sorrow has poisoned my mind like a drug

Pity could never take the place of love

I’m so hopeless

09 Hopeless.mp3

All Fall Down

I wrote this a few weeks ago. I've actually been writing songs faster than I have the time to write lyrics for them. I have a huge back catalogue of songs that I'll be posting on here more frequently. I've got about ten songs I need to work on lyrics for and more songs are being written every day. Just this last week alone I've written ten songs. Each of them have the beginning of lyrics started, but the musical side of the songs is already written, minus a few tweaks here and there.

As for this song, I really love it. There is a sense of urgency I feel in it when I play it and sing it, and I love that. I wrote a lot of the lyrics while I was sitting in a staff meeting at work. Yes - I was paying attention, but sometimes things are said that just stick in my mind or set me off on a lyrical path. I was thinking about the people stuck in war - both real, physical battles and their own personal, internal fights. The biggest point of the song to me was that its okay to fall down sometimes. In fact, there is nothing wrong with collapsing from the weight of it all. It's the loudest sound when we fall down, but only to ourselves. Nobody hears us fall louder than ourselves and there's nothing wrong with that. The tears may come, but remember - we only fall down so we can gain strength from standing back up again.

Walking through this snow

Not sure where to go

Feels as though the world’s abandoned me

Bodies in their graves

Battled to be brave

They all sing their epitaphs to me

And I hear what they’re trying to say

Do we fight the good fight each day?

When the lights go out

All that’s left is doubt

Faith will have to fight her own way free

Enemies we fear

Drawing themselves near

All they are is ghosts of what once was

And we scream for the night to end

There’s so much that we must defend

Secrets can’t reveal themselves when lies stand in the way

When you try to work it out is it worth the price you pay?

It’s the loudest sound

As we all fall down

Screaming in my sleep

Dreaming way too deep

I’m a product of the wars I’ve won

Fighting to forgive

Trying just to live

Words can’t go away – what’s done is done

So you cast me into the sea

With the truth that will set us free

Secrets can’t reveal themselves when lies stand in the way

When you try to work it out is it worth the price you pay?

It’s the loudest sound

As we all fall down

All Fall Down.mp3

Void

I wrote this song sometime in late 1997. It came about from listening to the Smashing Pumpkins. Billy Corgan had written a song called "Ugly" that I really loved. It described how I felt a lot of the time back then. If you knew me then, you would understand exactly what I'm talking about. Anyway, I was trying to write a song about how I felt about myself at the time, using my own words. It dealt with me and how I felt about certain people back then as well. Looking back on it all I realize I was terrified of myself and the person I was turning into. Life was good, don't get me wrong - it's just that I was filled with a venomous hatred towards who I was. I felt as though I was a cancer of some sort that ate away at those around me and I just wanted to disappear - to be a void. We all really detest ourselves at on point or another in our lives. I don't feel that way anymore, but the scars from figuratively whipping myself are still fresh and a constant reminder to me that I need to try to improve myself each day. Instead of me wanting to be a void I now have things in my life to keep my life from being void.

Fire burns my mouth

Time is running out for me

Wishing on a magic star shining down

My smile is foolish

Laughter breaks my brittle bones

Running from a nightmare I had in my dreams

And I fear the dark in you

The light in me

The things unseen

I fill my void

Death kisses me so deep

I feel her tongue on my lips tempting me

Forbidden song

I drink the silence in you

The sun still shines upon this broken rose

In the stars I see your face

I feel your warmth in love’s disgrace

But I’m here to tell you stories

Full of pain and full of glory

Sweet is the tempter’s snare

My soul is heavy

Sad days have lost control

Like shattered glass I’m falling all apart

The moon is red

Night sings me her sad tune

The way you breathe into me makes me whole

And the streets I wander on have swallowed me

The signs are gone

But you have this heart of mine

You can make it so divine

Peace is a luxury

I taste the madness

I feel the sadness

You swallow my fear

My mind is unclear

Your mouth is dry

My eyes won’t cry

Rage is enjoyed

I’m just a void

This Christmas

Every Christmas Eve that we are all together my wife's family has a Christmas talent show. We just get to enjoy everyone's company and what they are doing. Some people do something musical, some read a poem - it doesn't really matter what it is, it's just a time to share. A few weeks ago I decided that I wanted to write a new Christmas song every year. Nothing big and grandiose, just a little something that I would be able to share with the family. This is my first attempt. Mind you, this is not written with the intent of becoming a classic or a standard. This is my own personal amusement. Hopefully I can get this recorded sometime in the next few days.



This Christmas
I don't need presents
I don't need snow
I don't need sleigh bells
Or mistletoe
There's only one thing that I need this year
This Christmas I need you right here


I don't need snowmen
I don't need sleds
I don't need sugarplums dancing in my head
There's only one thing that I need this year
This Christmas I need you right here


Bing sang of "White Christmas"
Dino sang "Outside, its cold!"
But for me it's not Christmas
Till I've got my love to hold


I don't need stockings
I don't need lights
I don't need Santa coming over tonight
There's only one thing that I need this year
This Christmas I need you right here


So if you're looking for some way
To bring me holiday cheer
Just make sure when it's Christmas you're here

Apart at the Seams

It's quite strange how a song will pop into your head. Sometimes it the lyrics first, other times you hear a melody that you have to match up with words that work. Sometimes the words in your head are not really words you want, but they flow like a cracked dam. Topics you wouldn't normally want to write about start to pop out of the end of your pen or even off the tip of your tongue. It's is a dark song. Probably one of the darkest lyrically I have ever encountered. It just kind of happened. I wrote the music today in about four minutes - the words in less than 15 as they appear. No edits. I'm working on getting it recorded and up soon.

For all you theorists out there, don't read into this song. It has nothing to do with me. These are not feelings of mine. These are not experiences that I am going through. I am fine. I am happier than I have ever been. This is a story in a song. I know that Thomas Harris didn't try cannibalism to write "Silence of the Lambs" or Alfred Hitchcock killed anyone to direct "Dial M for Murder". This is strictly a figment of my imagination.

The only way that she was going to fly
Was to step off of that ledge into the sky
Someone called her
Someone called her home


The only life that she had ever known
Was found without a place she could call home
No one loved her
No one loved her so


She falls apart at the seams
Inside her nightmare she screams
So in a life filled with doubt
From a rooftop she will shout
"I hope that this is my way out!"


To stop the demons screaming in his brain
He walked head-on into a speeding train
No more sorrows
No tomorrows now


His wife and kids did not know who he was
He gave the good life for a life of drugs
Now he's wasted
Now he's wasted breath


He falls apart at the seams
Inside his nightmare he screams
So in a life filled with doubt
Into a headlight he will shout
"I hope that this is my way out!"


Life gives back what you invest
You can't expect all the best
And if you feel you should die
Just wipe away the tears you cry
Don't waste your time on asking "why?"
Start chasing after what you should
Try filling up your life with all that's good

Hate Me

This is another strange one. Just a bunch of random words thrown together with a catchy little tune. I wrote this in the basement of my grandparents house in Wyoming in the summer of 2001. I think the song is about extremes in life.


It’s all sour apples
Not much to go on here
I’m living in an ashtray
Not looking in the mirror
Is this what you wanted?
Did you think you’d disappear?

Not living for a heartache
Too much of you can hurt
Are you an acid reflux
Buried deep down in the dirt
Inside your sad reflection
You’re finally seeing what you’re worth

And I love the way you hate my every move
And I love the way you hate the things I do
I love the way you hate me
I love the way you hate me

This is a twisted romance
Fueled by a loving fist
You beg for my forgiveness
With every hammer kiss
Should I accept your offering
Or should I walk away from this

And I love the way you hate my every move
And I love the way you hate the things I do
I love the way you hate me
I love the way you hate me

Is there sympathy for everything you’ve done?
I will not stare for one more day into the sun
There’s not a reason here
To keep on thinking you’re the one

This isn’t too impressive
Should I take a second glance?
You’re like a roadrash shadow
In a pair of leather pants
Tomorrow’s looking ugly
You might get another chance

And I love the way you hate my every move
And I love the way you hate the things I do
I love the way you hate me
I love the way you hate me

Vampires

This was written in 1998. I don't know why I wrote this song. It used to be called "Baby Blues", but that was too uplifting - it kind of rubbed against the grain. It's not really about vampires, but anyone who know me knows that if I could have a career change...

Don’t tell me you love me
Don’t tell me who I am
I want to be beautiful
I want to be a man
I don’t know what you see in me
You’re not who you appear to be

Too young to see it
Rainbows just fade away
You’re not a monster
But I can’t live this way
I never asked for anything
But gave you all my songs to sing
And everything you asked for

I killed the vampires in your brain
You gave me faults, you gave me blame
And though the wind blows my face away
There’s just no way that I can stay

I’m lost in madness
I’m tripping over you
So where’s the glory
In feeling blue
I lost my love inside your fist
You say my tears will not be missed
So no one here can save me

I killed the vampires in your brain
You gave me faults, you gave me blame
And though the wind blows my face away
There’s just no way that I can stay

So through the mist you feel my hurt
Forget for better or worse
I can’t make you happy
I am not the one you need

I killed the vampires in your brain
You gave me faults, you gave me blame
And though the wind blows my face away
There’s just no way that I can stay